


If We Want to Be Famous

by dokidokiharahara (anewkindofthrill)



Category: Block B
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-03-30 21:06:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3951760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anewkindofthrill/pseuds/dokidokiharahara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the time of their debut, Park Kyung and Woo Jiho decide to not act on their feelings. A few years later, Jiho has alienated himself from the group, and Kyung has found a nice girl - which makes Jiho come back very quickly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I think I have to throw up.

He attends his lecture and there aren't nearly half as many people staring and pointing at him as he thought there'd be. That should be a good thing, but it also doesn't really sit right with Park Kyung. It just reinforces the belief that people are forgetting about him.

He sits down, deliberately next to a friendly looking guy, and starts chatting with him. He doesn't want to cut himself off the other students, and surprisingly enough, even when they eventually find out who he is, they accept him.

Two rows in front of him, there's this girl. She keeps turning her head and looking at him - not like the others, the "Oh my god aren't you from Block B? Not Zico, but the other one?"-way, but with a slight smile, interest in her eyes. Her phone case has the shape of a bee, all black and yellow, but she still just smiles at him nicely, no screams, no running towards him.

He smiles back.

_________________

"It's such a new feeling! I thought it might be like school, but it really isn't. Everyone is more mature and a lot more friendly at uni."

Kyung is meeting up with the others for the first time since he started studying again. There's Jaehyo, who's also started taking online courses during their free time, and who nods eagerly, and there's Taeil, who already knows all of this, since they share the same room in the dorm. Even Minhyuk, Yukwon and Jihoon, who're busy with their Bastarz activities, used their evening off to meet with their bandmates.

"Also, there's this girl...", Park Kyung says jovially, "she's a BBC, but like, really normal? Super cute, and totally not creepy towards me at all, and she asked if I can help her with the stats homework tomorrow. Afterwards she's going to treat me to dinner - of course I'm not gonna let her pay, but the thought counts, right?" His voice is loud and enthusiastic, his grin plastered all over his face, just like in interviews - fake as it comes.

Before anyone can shush him, Jihoon says: "By the way, where's Jiho? I bet he already told you to go for this girl, heh."

The others try not to look at Park Kyung, whose grin transforms into a saccharine smile.

Which is even more fake.

"Who knows where he is. And he doesn't even know about her, we haven't talked in two weeks."

_________________

Taeil ususally doesn't like to concern himself with the others' problems, especially not when they contain drama, but when Kyung sighs for the third time this evening, blankly staring at his silent phone, Taeil doesn't feel annoyed at all. He sits down next to Kyung, who is lying in his bed, and strokes the younger's arm confortingly until he falls asleep.

_________________

Hyejin is cute, but not overly so. She dresses girly, but always with an accessory that stands out and isn't girly at all - a pink dress with heavy boots. A short skirt and a frilly blouse with a black backpack. Pink lip tint but no eye make-up at all.

Park Kyung hopes he can really come to actually _like_ her.

It turns out that she doesn't need his help in stats at all, being a brilliant student herself; she just wanted to meet up with him and she tells him so right after their first date, when she takes him to her favourite restaurant. Park Kyung enjoys her bluntness, her honesty. He knows what she wants, and when he tells her that he doesn't know what he himself wants, she's completely okay with it.

"Let's just meet for a few times and you can make up your mind about me - no strings attached!" Her smile is sweet, not saccharine, and it is heartfelt.

 

They meet a second and a third time, a week later, and he tells her about the emotional baggage he's carrying around with him. He feels safe with her, in a cafe that's all cute and pink and girly - he didn't doll up as he would for his idol activities, and he feels like the dark brown hat Hyejin is wearing to her pastell summer dress.

It is nice. He feels like he fits, in an unfitting way.

He tells her about old feelings and sacrificing them for success, and although he doesn't say any names aloud, Hyejin is BBC enough to just _know_.

She is understanding and he begs her to tell him if it is too much, he wants her to be honest if he's hurting her, going out with her but not having quite yet reached the same amount of emotional investment because of... _old_ investments.

"Take your time. I want to help you, and it is wonderful that I can help you with trying to actually have you." Her smile is wicked, but still genuine. Not perfect, but so nice.

_________________

"Please stop grinning, Jiho, you look like you're about to murder somebody."

Yukwon has come by Jiho's place on his way to his girlfriend, and Jiho doesn't seem to notice the cold stare he is getting from him.

"But Yukwon, listen to this track I wrote with the boys, like, it's so amazing? I wonder if it should be my next solo or... maybe another subunit? I just-"

"Yeah yeah, I just wanted to check if you're still alive. Not having answered any call or text from us for about three weeks now. Jihoonie and Jaehyo begged me to check up on you."

Jiho ignores the tone Yukwon uses. "Yeah sorry man, but I just had a lot on my plate and-"

"Whatever, Jiho, I have to go now."

Yukwon turns around, but is being held back by the leader of his band.

"Wait a moment, I'm actually really glad you came by, I wondered if we could do something together? All seven, go to our samgyeopsal place?"

Yukwon stares at him blankly. "We did that last week. We also invited you, but you never answered our texts."

He puts on his coat on the way to the door.

"I really have to go now, Kyunggie and his girlfriend are already waiting at Sunhye's."

Yukwon would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy Jiho's stunned silence.

_________________

Kyung is getting three texts at Sunhye's.

He briefly looks at his phone and excuses himself. In the bathroom, he stares at the screen incredulously.

He doesn't unlock the screen. Doesn't want him to know he has read these.

When he comes back to the living room, Yukwon looks at him knowingly and Hyejin takes his cold hand between hers.

Kyung swallows and continues to have a nice evening.

_________________

[21:03] Hey, how're you doing? Sorry I never answered, had a lot to do and stuff.

[21:04] Let's meet and talk some time? how's uni?

[21:09] What are you doing rn?

 

[23:54] Since when don't you look at your phone?

[00:17] Yo I'm really worried, are you alright??

[01:32] Look, I really miss you, man. Am afraid you had an accident or smth, pls answer

                                   [01:46] Yukwon told me you knew where I am. yknow I'm okay so wtf

[03:02] oh

[03:02] I just missed my best friend

                                   [09:32] yeah like you have done for the last three weeks or so

[11:49] omg are you angry bc I had a lot of work??

                                   [11:50] Yukwon, Minhyuk and Jihoonie had a lot of work as well

[11:50] yea but their best friends would've told them if they had a gf

                                   [11:51] wtf where did that come from that doesnt make sense

                                   [11:51] what has that to do with anything

[11:51] why didn't you tell me

                                   [11:51] BC YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TALK TO ME FOR WEEKS?? I'D HAVE TOLD YOU IF YOU HAD ANSWERED MY TEXTS AND CALLS??

[11:53] sorry

                                   [11:53] yea w/e have to go now, lunch with Hyejin. My gf. In case you didn't know.

_________________

_Jiho had been hiding his face with his hands for about ten minutes, sitting on his bunk bed, not saying a word. His dreadlocks also hid the rest of his head, hanging down sadly._

_Park Kyung was walking up and down the dorm, doing the talking, as usual._

_"We can't be like that if we want to be famous, Jiho." He put a herculean effort into not letting his voice crack._

_"Why not?" Kyung couldn't see Jiho's face, but he knew his crying voice all too well. "We can, I don't know, sleep on the couch when the manager is not here, we can do stuff when the cameras are not here, we..."_

_Kyung sighed. "When was the last time no managers or cameras were around?"_

_"But-"_

_"Jiho." Park Kyung's voice finally cracked and he stopped his pacing, getting down onto his knees in front of his crying friend. "We're never alone. The others are also always here. There is no chance, no time, and it's killing me inside. We're always together and yet, we're never ..._ together _."_

_A tear-stained face was finally watching him between brown, dirty dreadlocks. "But the others don't mind, and maybe the managers won't mind..."_

_"But I mind. I hate hiding all the time when people are around. I'd rather...", Kyung swallowed hard, "I'd rather there was nothing to hide than hiding it all the time."_

_Park Kyung knew this had potential to ruin their career that hadn't even really started yet. And Jiho wanted to be famous no matter what. It was Jiho's dream, Jiho's life._

_He wanted to be Jiho's life, but being part of it should be enough as well._

_"... we haven't even done anything yet", Jiho whispered._

_Kyung, on his knees, took Jiho's hands between his. "Isn't that better? Then we won't have anything to miss, really. We can get over it, and still be best friends." Contradictory to his words, he put Jiho's hands to his face, smelling them, touching them with his lips._

_"It's for y- it's for our dream, Woo Jiho."_

_Jiho took hold of Kyung's face, holding it up so they could stare into each others eyes._

_"Then at least share that dream with me. Always together."_

_Park Kyung smiled._

_"Together."_

_________________

                                   [TO: HYEJIN 11:55] sorry, but can we meet up tomorrow instead of today? need some alone time, not feeling too well

_________________

Sometimes, all of them attend the Bastarz fansigns, and it feels nice to have some group activity again. Kyung looks at Jihoon, wondering why he looks so much more mature with his white hair. He turns to Jiho, sees how he's as proud of their youngest as he himself is, and they share a warm smile.

They haven't talked since they brief text conversation a week ago, but regardless of how icy it is between them, there are just some things that cannot be erased. Jiho puts an arm around Kyung.

"We've all made it. Each one of us." Kyung feels Jiho's chin resting on top of his head, feels Jiho's pride and euphoria seep through his skin, into his own body. He closes his eyes and savours the moment, as he has always done for the past four years.

Appreciating every little second he can get.

"Yes", Park Kyung answers, eyes closed, but still seeing Jihoonie all grown up and handsome. He leans into the warm embrace and hears some fangirls cooing, but that doesn't matter right now. "Yes we did."

Suddenly, the arm around him stiffens.

"Why does your hair smell so different?"

Silence.

He shouldn't feel like this. He shouldn't feel as if he betrayed the one who hasn't talked to him for _weeks_. It's not fair, not fair that he feels _so good_ leaning against Jiho's chest, it's not fair that Jiho says the following words in such an accusatory way.

_"You spent the night at hers."_

Kyung sits up and turns around, looks into empty eyes.

"We could have talked about this, you know. I called you, Jiho. You didn't call back. I wanted to talk about this."

Suddenly, the atmosphere that has just been so warm turns icy again, and they remember there are fans around them everywhere.

Jiho quickly puts his arm around Kyung again and puts on a fake grin.

His skin burns against Kyung's neck.

_________________

Park Kyung wakes up alone in his bed. He fumbles for his phone and turns on the screen - 4 am in the morning. He sighs, but is happy Taeil has gone to visit some friends in Busan with Jaehyo.

His free hand creeps up from next to his body, brushes his hip, closes around his erection.

The dream has felt so real, the other's breath against his dick was hot and wet, that tongue rough and demanding.

That quick, clever tongue, resting on a full, plump lower lip. Narrow, cold eyes.

Not cute at all.

During the two months he's known Hyejin, he hasn't had a dream like that about her once.

_________________

Another pink cafe, _HER_ is playing in the background. People stare, but not too much, as he holds her hands between his. Again, he feels like an accessory that doesn't quite fit but somehow does. It makes him feel so guilty.

"I still love him. I'm so sorry."

She tilts her head. Zico's rap part is starting. "Don't be, you've been honest with me since the start. Maybe you just need more time?"

"Do you really want to stay with someone who can't like you as much as you like them?", Kyung asks unbelievingly. Zico poses with an ostrich on the screen.

"But you like me, right?"

"Of course I do. It's just... it's just that I have to keep seeing him, you know, and you have deserved so much more than those lukewarm feelings I can give to you." Zico throws his arms around him during that dance scene in front of the "band".

"But he doesn't talk to you much now, does he? Maybe he wants to let you go as well?", she asks, clearly not wanting to hear the words he's about to say.

The song is over.

Kyung's phone vibrates.

_[16:17] I love you, Kyunggie._

How dare he. How dare he after weeks of silence, now that he has got the chance for happiness - at least as far as Jiho knows? How dare he, so typical for Jiho, he always thinks Kyung would always be there, always do anything he demands. He would never leave and Jiho would never have to do anything in return. Hanging around with his _cooler_ friends all the time, not talking, not _missing_ Kyung for weeks. How dare he think he still has got such a hold over him, no matter if it's true or not?

No. Park Kyung won't let her go.

"Yeah. Maybe." He smiles and squeezes her hands. She smiles back, relieved.

He is kind of aware he is doing this just to spite Jiho. But the shame isn't strong enough to push away the anger.

_________________

Jiho treats them all to Samgyeopsal a few days later, as an apology for his long silence. He hasn't heard back from Kyung since that one text, and when he thinks about it, he feels like throwing up. He has asked Taeil to bring Kyung with him, but Kyung hasn't showed up.

He's too afraid to ask where he is, but Jihoon answers that question without him needing to ask.

"So Kyung has invited Hyejin now that the dorm is empty for tonight?" He snickers. "This sly asshole. Shouldn't it be bros before hoes?" Minhyuk and Yukwon roll their eyes hearing that last comment, but Jiho's fingertips just got ice-cold. He stops eating and rests his hands against his thighs.

He feels another hand close around his. Jaehyo is good with those things, sees those things, and although Jiho loves to make fun of him, he's now extremely thankful for the moment of warmth shared with him. When Jaehyo squeezes his hand, he squeezes back thankfully.

Even Yukwon, who has been cold towards him since that visit a few weeks ago, seems to have forgiven him. They all try to cheer him up - even Jihoon, although he still doesn't know what is going on - but it doesn't really work.

He's been an asshole.

He still is.

He decides to get drunk.

_________________

"We can't just leave him alone now, I'm afraid he's gonna choke on his vomit or something", Taeil says darkly while supporting Jiho together with Jaehyo, on their way back to the dorm. Jiho has already thrown up twice and is slipping in and out of consciousness.

Jihoon is still out, meeting up with Mino, and Mihyuk and Yukwon have gone to their respective homes, so it's just the three of them walking through Seoul's dark streets in the middle of the night.

"Let's just hope Kyung's girlfriend has already gone home", Jaehyo adds.

There's a hiccuping sound between them, and a voice slurs, "Ssshut up, or I'm gonna puke even more."

Taeil rolls his eyes. "Y'know it's your own fault? For not talking about stuff you just decided when you were bloody kids, not knowing shit?"

"Ssshut up."

They arrive at the entrance of their apartment building and Jaehyo tries to balance Jiho's arm around his shoulders while typing in their password to get in.

The trio enters and Taeil and Jaehyo barely get up the stairs when Jiho suddenly decides to be sober, standing on his own and staring at a girl who just came out of the dorm.

Taeil and Jaehyo share a long look, and then Jaehyo smiles at her warmly.

"Hi, Hyejin. Going home already?"

Hyejin smiles back, always having been friendly with Taeil and Jaehyo since she's gotten to know them. "Yeah, it's already late."

"What, like, not spending the night with your boyfriend?" Jiho's voice is dripping with venom, and he doesn't use the polite form. Taeil grabs his arm. "It was nice to see you!", he says to Hyejin while dragging Jiho into the dorm before Hyejin has the chance to answer.

 

"Why the fuck did you bring him here?" Kyung is furious to see a drunk Jiho standing in front of him, who has got a vicious expression on his face.

"That bow looked ridiculous on that outfit."

Everyone ignores that remark. "Sorry, Kyung, but a minute ago he was completely drunk off his ass, we were afraid he would pass out and die in the streets if we left him alone."

Kyung gets close to Jiho and looks at his face intently. Jiho tries everything to look sober and full of energy... but Kyung knows him better.

"He is. You're right. He's about to fall over." As soon as Kyung finishes the last word, Jiho's eyes roll back into his head and Kyung has to catch him.

_________________

It's almost morning when Jiho wakes up in Taeil's bed. The light next to Kyung's bed is still on, and he sees Kyung staring at him when he turns around. But he stays silent.

Jiho pulls the comforter closer around himself. "Where's Taeil?"

"Jihoon is staying at Mino's, so he went to his room. I had to stay up and look after you in case you threw up in your sleep or something."

"... sorry."

"Yeah."

Kyung shifts his stare and looks out of the window. "Sobered up again?"

"Mostly, yes", Jiho says silently, combing through his hair with trembling fingers. There's a glass full of water next to him, and he takes it. "Thanks."

Kyung makes a neutral noise and keeps looking at the night sky.

"I wanted to prove myself that I'm over you, Kyunggie. That's why I just focussed on other people and working and stuff." Jiho snickers. "Didn't work out too well, eh?"

Kyung doesn't even bother to look at him. "You're a fucking asshole, Woo Jiho."

The window is open and nice, cool air is breezing into the room when Jiho stands up, goes to the other side of the room and attacks his best friend. He's pushing him down, two large hands on narrow shoulders, and he kisses lips that should be locked with defiance and surprised. They're pliant and open instead, and stay like that for a moment when Jiho finally backs down after what felt like hours.

"You taste like soju and puke." Kyung grabs two fists full of blond hair and pulls Jiho down again, his tongue darting into the other's mouth no matter how bad he tastes. His legs part on instinct and Jiho wriggles right in between, pinning Kyung down again with one hand, letting the other slide under his shirt.

"Did you do it with her?", Jiho whispers against swollen, red lips. Kyung closes his eyes.

"Don't be silly, Jiho. I slept with a lot of people, and so did you."

Kyung's eyes snap open though when Jiho makes a sound deep down his throat. Dangerous, angry. "Yeah but the other always knew about it, and it was always meaningless. But she... with her... you like her..."

"Yes, I do."

Jiho hisses. "See? With her, it would mean something. So did you?"

Kyung looks up cooly. "Did I not get something right? Since when have I got to be faithful to you?"

Their teeth clash when Jiho goes down on him again and Kyung's lower lip starts bleeding into their kiss. Jiho grinds down his hips, completely covering their narrower counterparts, and the hand under Kyung's shirt claws possessively into his skin.

Jiho's lips are tinted with red. "Did you?"

"No."

The hand under his shirt relaxes, strokes soothingly over scratches. Jiho buries his face between Kyung's jaw and shoulder and inhales deeply.

"I wanted to end it when you wrote me. You know. That you loved me." Kyung wraps his arms around the trembling body lying on him. "I was with her, and just about to say it, but your fucking message made me so fucking angry, Jiho."

Kyung's hands wander between their bodies to Jiho's pants - or rather, an old pair of Kyung's they put on him when he was in his alcohol induced coma - and stop there. Mid-movement. Teasing.

"You made me angry, too", comes the muffled voice from his neck, and Jiho starts mouthing it, Kyung's delicate skin reddening hard and fast when he nibbles on it. Kyung gasps lightly. "You make me angry all the time, not letting me go, never letting me go. Always making me want to touch you, for so many years now." Kyung's legs part even more and he pulls up his knees. Wants more contact, needs more contact. His hands are now cupping and fumbling around Jiho's growing erection, abandoning his anger.

He doesn't even think once of the fact that he's still got a girlfriend.

Jiho is, though, and it's making him want to mark Kyung as much as he can, show the world that he is his, his alone. Always has been, always will be, so he bites down into smooth skin, earning a sound that is half moan, half angry shout.

"Ji-" But then he licks the wound soothingly, peppering Kyung's neck with little kisses and bucking down into Kyung's touch.

He reaches down, puts away Kyung's hands and slowly glides down the small body, until his faces is buried next to Kyung's still clothed erection. He inhales deep again.

"I'm going crazy", he whispered. "Everytime I did this in the past with somebody else, I only thought of how I wanted to do it with you."

Kyung makes a small noise again. "Yeah", he answers, and everything Jiho needs to know lies in that one little breathy word. He pulls down Kyung's pyjama pants in one swift move, and before Kyung himself has the chance to react, Jiho grabs his thighs right above his knees, on the underside, and lifts Kyung's legs so he can see everything - his swollen, hard cock right above his sack, and then the hole. Kyung gasps loudly and stares at Jiho - not really in shame, but with something akin to disdain.

"Sorry, I'm fucking hungover and had blue balls for you since our fucking school days. This won't take very long, but I promise, I'll make you feel _so_ good every time after this one...", Jiho breathes, still looking down at Kyung's private parts in wonder - then looking him into the eyes. "Which doesn't mean you won't feel good now."

"Well, good to know you already decided on what exactly we're gonna do now, Ji-", he makes a scandalized noise when Jiho shoves two fingers into his mouth.

"Won't take you without lube, baby." But Jiho hisses in pain when Kyung bites down pretty hard and he takes away his fingers. _"What the-?!"_

"Do you think I don't have lube, Jesus Christ..." Kyung frees himself in the moment of Jiho's surprise and rummages around in his nightstand until he finds a bottle of lube. "Y'weren't the only one pining, as hard as it is to admit."

Jiho grins at that remark. "Good. I already thought you changed your mind or something."

Kyung rolls his eyes. "Didn't you learn anything from this whole ordeal? Fucking talk to me and stop just assuming things, you i- _aaah_." Two slicked up fingers enter Park Kyung and the pleasure is immense - since he's kind of used to shoving stuff up there.

"What did you want to say?" Smug bastard.

"Go on, _move, Jiho!_ "

Jiho chuckles and moves his fingers out and back in, this time slightly deeper and Kyung positively _wails_. Jiho imagines Kyung doing this to himself - since he mostly brought home girls, not men - which sends a violent jolt down his own cock. He quickly adds a third finger and searches for Kyung's prostate, growing impatient himself. When he finds it, there are tears in Kyung's eyes and his mouth stands open in a silent scream.

It's the most beautiful thing Jiho has ever seen, far more beautiful than anything he could ever imagine.

He loses no time and quickly undresses the both of them before pushing down Kyung's thighs again so his knees almost touch his chest.

"Jiho, _Jiho_."

Before entering, Jiho looks at Kyung again, waiting for a final confirmation of consent. He gets it with a burning look and a curt nod. He pushes in deep in one swift move, and he feels as if he gets his first breath of fresh air after almost drowning. Kyung's mouth is open again, he doesn't make a sound but his eyes are wide open, his head thrown back.

He graps Jiho's lower arms with almost superhuman strength, but Jiho doesn't feel the pain. Again, that breathy voice. "Jiho. _Jiho._ "

They have always known they would grow old together, in one way or another. That they would be together, and somehow, they also knew that trying to suppress this was a stupid idea.

But they didn't know it would be like _that_.

Jiho starts fucking Kyung in abandon, and Kyung sucks him in in more ways than one, shouting, gripping, demanding _more more more_. His head thrown back, presenting his abused neck, willingly taking everything Jiho has got to give him - he's everything to Jiho in that moment. As predicted, it doesn't take long, but it feels long; both are overcome with their desire for the other, with their heartfelt love for the other they have held in their hearts since they were children.

Sweat is dripping down Jiho's nose, onto Kyung's collarbone, when he drives hard into the smaller body beneath him, motivated by all the gasps and moans and demands. It's Kyung's turn to claw into skin, and he does so more than once, scratches staining Jiho's back.

When Jiho comes, his sight blacks out for a moment, but afterwards he sees Kyung's hungry eyes fixed on his, and while he's still coming down from his high, he quickly glides out of the body beneath him, crawls down the bed and sucks three times on Kyung's rock-hard cock until he feels his mouth being flooded with come.

He doesn't waste one drip, swallows everything down immediately.

Jiho rests his head on a bony hip, feels a hand crawl his scalp.

Hears Kyung's phone vibrate.

 

[HYEJIN 6:09] kinda already woke up~ hope he didn't annoy you too much yesterday? he was really drunk, eeh. also, yes, such an asshole. if you wanna vent or smth, let's meet up for lunch later? xoxo <3 :3


	2. This is worth anything.

_Jiho rests his head on a bony hip, feels a hand crawl up and down his scalp._

_Hears Kyung's phone vibrate._

_[HYEJIN 6:09] kinda already woke up~ hope he didn't annoy you too much yesterday? he was really drunk, eeh. also, yes, such an asshole. if you wanna vent or smth, let's meet up for lunch later? xoxo <3 :3_

____________________________

Kyung falls asleep immediately, hand in Jiho's hair, so he doesn't hear his phone. Jiho's arms are long enough to reach it while still keeping his head on Kyung's hip. He reads the message and scoffs. He gently sits up to not disturb Kyung - Jiho thinks of himself as a true artist, appreciating all the bites and scratches on the most beautiful canvas in existence.

No way this girl will think for one second Kyung is still hers when she sees him like that. Jiho licks his lips, the taste of Kyung still on his tongue.

 _Kyunggie just betrayed his girlfriend._ He grins at the thought, loves this fact too much, loves how much power he has over his best friend - just as much as he has over him. Revels in the dependency that ties them to each other and wonders if that's what love is all about.

Probably. It's nice, though, with the right person, he thinks and touches Kyung's lips softly with his fingertips.

He puts the phone away, not having opened it so the push message is still on the screen, and lies down, nuzzling his face into Kyung's neck again.

____________________________

When they wake up again, it's already 11am. Luckily, there's no schedule on this day, so they lazily kiss without saying a thing, and then get up to get some breakfast.

Kyung's phone still lies on the nightstand, completely forgotten now that Kyung doesn't have to check for messages all the time. The only relevant person from whom he could receive messages sits next to him, hungrily inhaling a bowl of cornflakes despite his upset stomach.

They don't talk much, all bed hair and bruises. Kyung doesn't even know what to say, doesn't know how to feel.

"Good morning." Jaehyo gets out of his room to get some water from the fridge, deep dark circles under his eyes.

"I'd appreciate it if you kept the noise down next time, alright?"

Jiho snickers and nods. "Didn't it sound hot though?"

But Jaehyo doesn't listen, he rather looks at Kyung worriedly. Kyung looks back, his face torn between horror and pure happiness.

Woo Jiho doesn't notice.

____________________________

_When Park Kyung came out of their bedroom a few weeks after their decision not to pursue their romantic feelings, his eyes were all red and puffy. They had been every other night since then, and so had Jiho's._

_Jiho noticed right away._

_He immediately got up when he saw Kyung approaching their table, and prepared an omelette for him. Jiho looked okay this morning, but his eyes couldn't leave Kyung's ashy expression._

_"Here. Eat."_

_Kyung didn't look up, his voice silent. "Thank you, Jiho."_

_More formal than usual._

_It was horrible, a punch into Jiho's gut. He loved to imagine this scene differently; he and Kyung in a few years, when they would have made it, in their own fancy apartment. Jiho would make an omelette for Kyung, Kyung entering their large, beautiful kitchen with his terrible bedhead and a smile. A smile just for Jiho. A kiss on his cheek._ "Thanks, nerd."

_Frying pan still in hand, he suddenly needed to look down onto the floor, dreadlocks hiding his expression. He put away the pan, leaving the kitchen hurriedly._

_"Excuse me."_

_He only heard a fork falling onto the floor before closing the bedroom door behind him._

____________________________

Jiho watches Kyung's reaction like a hawk. After five more texts Kyung has finally noticed his phone, and now he is replying.

They're sitting on Kyung's bed again, have been just lying on it for an hour or so after breakfast. Jiho has finally noticed Kyung's unease, which made him nervous in return. But he's just traced Kyung's nose, his cheekbones, his jawline with his fingertips, when they were lying side by side, looking at each other. There has been no question about Kyung's decision - Kyung has already decided the moment Jiho's lips touched his, his heart having been Jiho's for years now.

There's still that torn expression on his face, but even that looks beautiful to Jiho. Everything Kyung does and says, how he moves and looks, everything is beautiful and everything is Jiho's.

"So I actually had it in me to betray somebody like that", Kyung says in a silent voice, still looking at Hyejin's texts. He doesn't sound surprised, only a bit disappointed.

Jiho rests his head in Kyung's lap, reaches up to his face with one hand. Kyung immediately shuts his eyes and nuzzles his cheek into the flat palm.

"Well, you've never really loved her, have you?" It should be consolation, but it isn't. It's a demand, and Kyung knows that. He feels anger boiling up again, but his face stays in that warm hand he knows so well. "You said you wanted to end it anyway."

"Yeah... but I never did, so we're still kind of a thing now."

Jiho's eyes narrow, ice-cold as always. So unlikable. Not cute at all. It makes Park Kyung shiver, makes him lean down and kiss those spiteful lips in assurance.

"I don't have the slightest chance to get away from you, so I can end things with her anyway", Kyung whispers against Jiho's lips, which form a sly smile.

"Then write her a message that it's over."

"Oh my god, I can't just break up with her with a text? I'm gonna ask her to meet me tonight."

"I will come with you, then."

"Woo Jiho, you fucking won't."

 

A few hours later, Jiho gets dressed with Park Kyung anyway, deliberately putting on a sweater Kyung wears very often, even if it's a bit short. Kyung knows this is a mistake, such an asshole-ish move, but he cannot take his eyes off Jiho in his sweater for one second, cannot unhear all the possessive whispers of the last few hours spent entangled and panting.

He should wear a scarf or something. Hyejin is a nice girl, she doesn't deserve this.

He sees Jiho looking at him with cold eyes and a hard grin. He leaves the scarf at home.

____________________________

They get off on this, the feeling of being finally together, inseperable, and showing it to the world. Not caring about anything or anyone but themselves.

____________________________

_"Please, please Kyunggie, just once, just like you did for him..."_

_Jiho was on his knees next to Kyung on the bed, not even that drunk, hard as a rock. They had decided to sleep with other people, to get at least the sexual edge off when they couldn't just turn off their feelings._

_They usually took girls back to the hotel rooms they shared, warning the other beforehand. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but it was part of their agreement, and everytime they did it they knew it was to forget the other one. It was unhealthy, they knew the other would only think about them... even more so when Jiho watched._

_Jiho loved to watch, Kyung knew. Jiho was able to black out the other person completely, only focussing on Kyung, hiding somewhere in the room so the other person wouldn't know._

_When Kyung knew that Jiho watched, he mostly came twice or more in a night._

_But this time, Kyung had brought a man with him; taller, full lips, narrow eyes, and Jiho had been so pleased despite the horror of someone else fucking Kyung for the first time._

_At least he had been part of it, at least Kyung had frequently looked to the cupboard Jiho had been hidden in, mouthing his name._

_This was not being abstinent from one another, and they knew it. But still._

_"God, please, Kyung, just let me_ look _at it again, let me kiss you there, just once? It won't make a couple out of us, no one will now, I just..."_

_Jiho just wanted to do it to Kyung, but without a condom, so a part of him could be inside for a bit longer... just... He reached out for Kyung's cock, hot and hard again despite just having had sex with someone else. Kyung sat on the bed, Jiho still on his knees, his mouth coming dangerously close-_

_"Stop", Kyung sobbed and it broke his heart, broke Jiho's heart._

_"You also cannot watch anymore. This has to stop. Right now."_

_He didn't know how he brought himself to say it, but he thought of Jiho in the studio, his face brightening up when he created a new song, knowing they're would become even more famous, even better._

_He couldn't jeopardize this for Jiho, and Jiho knew._

_"I'm sorry. Come here."_

_Jiho crawled into Kyung's arms, wrapping his own arms around him as well and they cried themselves to sleep._

____________________________

Everything they have ever done has been for themselves. For Jiho and Kyung, for Zico and Park Kyung.

They loved the other members dearly, but they always came first. Jiho's dream came always first, a dream he's only ever wanted to share with Kyung.

____________________________

She's not accepting it.

Kyung is just happy they didn't choose a café again, because it would have attracted too much attention with him and Jiho both being there. They're taking a walk in a park, and there aren't many people there because it will soon start raining.

She's making a scene.

Jiho is sitting on a bench, a few metres away, watching the whole spectacle, ready to chime in as soon as she tries to hurt Kyung or something. Because it certainly looks like it.

"Look, Hyejin, I told you I still loved him, and that you deserved better..."

"I do not care what the fuck you told me! I just want you, don't you understand? I just want you!" She starts crying and when Kyung tries to pat her shoulder, she immediately throws herself into his arms. "You need more time, you need less time with him, we can do it..."

Kyung freezes. "Hyejin, get off."

She starts kissing the bruises Jiho has left there hours ago, and Kyung hears Jiho approaching. "HYEJIN, GET OFF."

Before Jiho can do anything, Kyung takes her forearms into his hands and pushes her away.

She stares at them, the skin around her eyes completely black with smudged eyeliner and mascara.

"You said you wanted to forget him, you said he wasn't talking to you anyway."

"Because I wanted to forget him, too", Jiho answers, "but I couldn't." There is no pity in his voice, no warmth at all. He sounds just like in his songs - _everything that is mine I have deserved, fuck everyone else._

Kyung can see this answer make Hyejin hate them.

"I will tell everybody", she spits out. _"You will be ruined."_

____________________________

Hyejin has been the first thing Park Kyung has done only for himself.

There will be destruction.

____________________________

_When Jiho created their contract with Seven Seasons, full of hope and anticipation of a new beginning, he tried to think about everything dangerous that could ever happen to the group._

_Nothing was supposed to be able to endanger the dream he has sacrificed so much for._

_There were paragraphs about how to handle a situation when they said something offensive._

_There were paragraphs about what to do when they didn't get their payment._

_There were paragraphs about mostly everything..._

_But Jiho wanted to be prepared for anything. It was pretty usual that a contract between an idol group and an agency contained some paragraphs that were... not completely legal._

_"When one or more members engage in a romantic/sexual relationship that is deemed inappropriate for the public to know, Seven Seasons is obliged to do use any means - legal or illegal - to protect both the member/s and their partner/s from the threat."_

_He laughed at himself._

_He was still hoping._

____________________________

Their CEO is all business-like about their situation, as if he has anticipated something like that to happen someday.

Park Kyung is shocked how leisurely he and Jiho discuss the fate of a human being.

"I think we should just frame her for stalking Kyunggie. Like, she just wanted to study maths because she knew Kyung did it, too, and then she pestered him about dates. Kyung should be depicted as a nice guy, just wanting to be polite, but then she didn't stop, and when he rejected her, she just came up with some stupid rumour about us."

Their CEO nods. "Fair enough, sounds managable. Should we file a lawsuit? I know some people in the jurisdiction, I could make them put her into a mental ward?"

Jiho looks at Kyung, sees his horror. "Maybe we just give out a press release about Kyung's crazy stalker first, with a blurred image on which she's almost kinda recognizable, so her classmates and family will know, before she can even build up a huge rumour online. If she doesn't stop then..." He takes one of Kyung's cold, sweaty hands into his.

The CEO obviously doesn't care about the true nature of their relationship, or about what they're going to do to the girl. Kyung swallows. He now knows why Jiho insisted on employing this man and no one else - he certainly has got the same cold, hard steel inside of him as Jiho does.

Park Kyung wonders if he has it as well.

Well, he must have got at least something of Jiho's coldness, since he doesn't say anything during the whole meeting, not opposing to anything. He just wishes Woo Jiho would always hold his hand like this.

He finds that he can live with his guilty conscience as long as Jiho and Jiho's dream are with him.

____________________________

While they're doing promo activities in Japan, the "rumour" spreads, but so does the official statement from Seven Seasons about Kyung's crazy stalker. Kyung gets tons of texts from classmates, apologizing that they haven't saved him from Hyejin although they knew she was a BBC and all that stuff.

He answers politely, saying thank you and that he's alright now.

Zico being in Jay Park's latest music video helps a lot, too. Netizens say that this man cannot be gay, he was calling gays "faggots" anyway in the past, and he obviously appreciates the female body, to say the least.

Photos of Kyung shoving Hyejin away while she was clinging to him show up as well and Kyung wonders how much Jiho has planned beforehand. He doesn't ask him, though, when they spend time together in their hotel room at night - he's way too busy during that time.

Those nights are like a little honeymoon for those two - the beans are spilled, the danger is dealt with, and they have security for many incidents to come. Only Jiho knew about the paragraph in the contract, but after everything that happened before signing with Seven Seasons, he wasn't sure if Park Kyung still wanted him. But those doubts have vanished, forever gone.

They can do whatever they want.

Never again strangers in their hotel rooms.

 

Japan is a blur of a immensely busy schedule, screaming fans and intense pleasure at night for Kyung. He doesn't really have time to feel anything, doesn't think things through, when Jiho fucks him long and hard, when Jiho gives him incredible blow jobs in the bathroom of their fitting rooms. He doesn't think about how Jiho used to be sweeter back then, warmer somehow. How he's hardened up during all the shit that happened to them during the last few years, just taking whatever he wants to own.

Like he's just taken Kyung.

He doesn't think about how shitty it was of Jiho not to talk to him about things, excluding him from sessions with his rapper friends, not calling back for weeks and weeks.

He doesn't think about how Jiho should be his best friend first, then his lover and partner.

____________________________

They come back home and Park Kyung goes to uni again.

Jiho has some sessions planned with his friends, but that's okay. He's asked Kyung to move some stuff into his apartment, and to visit him after he's done with cramming. The promise of this makes Kyung feel light-hearted although he would see Hyejin again, at uni.

The rumours have died down quickly and Hyejin became an outcast in their stats class. When Kyung enters the lecture hall, she just turns away, not looking at him. Most of his classmates put their hands onto his shoulder, tell him how they've got his back. He doesn't look at Hyejin again.

His phone rings. It's still five minutes before the lecture begins.

"She's there?", Jiho asks.

"Yeah. But quiet."

"Good. Tell me if that changes."

"Will do. Have a nice day!"

"Cute. You too, nerd, with all your maths and shit."

"Yeah fuck you, too." Kyung hangs up, grinning to his phone as if he just said _love you, too._

A classmate looks at him, grinning mischievously.

"Was that Zico?"

Park Kyung shuts down every expression he might have had on his face, substituting them with a fake smile.

"Yeah. Asking if she's making a fuss again. Idiot's so worried about his cool rapper image."

____________________________

When Kyung arrives at Jiho's, there are still some of his colleagues there. He hasn't seen those people in ages, and he feels kind of awkward when he enters the living room.

"Oh look, it's Jiho-ah's _boyyyyfriend_ ", one of them shouts and the others snicker.

Kyung doesn't really know what to say, until Jiho approaches him from behind and throws an arm around his shoulders jovially. "Can you believe people actually think this is true?!", he hollers back, laughing into Kyung's ear. "Kyunggie has been my best mate for ages now, how gross is that?"

The others laugh as well, clearly not believing someone in their midst could be gay. They invite Kyung warmly to sit with them, and even ask him what he thinks about this line or that rhyme, and are quite impressed when he starts improvising to a pretty fast beat.

He doesn't look at Jiho once until they are gone.

____________________________

"So, we still have to hide then?"

Kyung leans against the door frame, watching Jiho clean up the mess the others left behind. Jiho doesn't answer.

"You know it was exactly this hiding business that hurt me the most about our relationship?"

"And what the hell am I supposed to do? Tell them so I lose their support, my image, and therefore our whole credibility?!", Jiho answers coolly. "For fuck's sake, look at me. I love my longer blond hair now, I even put on make up because my 'mates' were coming over, and when you showed up, I had to do everything to stop myself staring at you, pining like the love-sick homo-fucker I am." There's a lot of self-loathing in his calm words. "I'm as gay as they fucking come. And yet, they still believe me when I say I'm not. I cannot jeopardize this, my whole hip hop image is what is essential for us right now."

Kyung's anger subsides quickly.

"You're right."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too."

They silently clean up the glasses and plates in Jiho's living room, the traces of worry not leaving Kyung's face.

This time, Woo Jiho notices.

____________________________

They lie in bed, watching the latest Attack on Titan OVA. Kyung's head is rested on Jiho's chest, Jiho's arms wrapped around him protectively. Suddenly, Jiho's phone is ringing.

"Hello?"

"Jiho-sshi, we have a problem. The media are trying to get an interview with that Hyejin girl." The CEO sounds a bit worried for the first time during the whole situation. "Should I call my friends at the court?"

Park Kyung, having heard everything, stares up at Jiho with wide eyes. Jiho raises an eyebrow, questioning.

They would ruin a life for their relationship. A relationship that would have to be a secret forever, that would always be a burden for the two of them - and maybe for their bandmates, their agency, their families. A relationship they have given up on once before.

Which has almost killed both inside.

Kyung still looks at Jiho, sees Zico, all hard, cold eyes and firm jaw, hardened beyond his years by everything he had to do to secure Block B's and his own position. A man who would do anything to get what he wants, a man with steel inside. A cruel, cold man who only seemed to love himself... and Park Kyung.

He was able to resist soft, young Jiho back then, the child who wanted him for warmth, for friendship.

He isn't able to resist now, he isn't able to give up on Jiho, on Zico, on their dream. Not for anything in the world, and if it costs someone's life.

He nods.

____________________________

Kyung nods, and Jiho feels like crying. He gives their CEO his consent and hangs up.

Jiho feels like crying out of joy.

He takes Kyung's face between his hands and kisses kisses _kisses_ him.

The anime is long forgotten, and clothes are being discarded.

As is morality. Ethics. Jiho has known that for a long time - he's a _survivor_ , someone who has _made_ it, who will continue to make it, fuck everyone else... everyone but Kyunggie, who's always been there, always so lovable and sharp and intelligent and who always got him.

"God, Kyunggie, I love you so much", he pants, gripping Kyung's sides and pressing him down only to kiss him even more.

Kyung looks up to him when Jiho finally breaks the kiss, eyes hard and hot, his swollen lips a firm line.

"I'm yours, no matter what."

Jiho loses it after hearing this, attacks Kyung's neck and shoulders again, marking him as his although old bruises haven't really faded yet. He enjoys a playfully dominant Kyung from time to time, but in an emotionally charged situation like this, he craves full control.

Kyung understands.

"You will never tell me to stop again, will you?", Jiho whispers urgently.

"No. Never."

They look into each others' eyes, well aware of what the future holds, of what they have sacrificed for this. Jiho traces Kyung's face again, it is different from when they have made that first fateful decision, but still beautiful, perhaps even more so.

 

Kyung feels like he will tear up any second, so he carefully masks his anxiety, his joy. "Well, are you gonna fuck me, Woo Jiho, or really just stare at me like a love-sick idiot?!"

Jiho snickers darkly, whispering, "someone's eager, eh?"

Kyung grins slightly. "For your cock? Always."

Kyung knows how a little wantonness will drive Jiho up the wall, so he wriggles his narrow hips as if he cannot wait to be taken. He gets what he wants immediately, Jiho freeing both of their erections out of their pants with one hand, looking for the lube with the other.

There's still a lot of manipulation in this relationship, on both sides, but they're okay with it, always knowing what the other wants, what the other needs.

They've been together for so long.

"Spread your legs for me, skinny boy."

Kyung obliges immediately, and Jiho looks like he's seen the sun for the first time in his life. There's some slight stubble on Jiho's face that rubs Park Kyung in all the right ways when the insides of his thighs are being kissed, nuzzled and groped. Kyung relaxes and forgets about all the things around them - the lack of morality, what they have just done, everything. Slick fingers enter him and he gasps for air, gasps for more.

He wraps his hands around Jiho's neck when he feels the head of Jiho's cock against his entrance. _"Yes, please."_

Jiho grins down, revelling in the sight that is Kyung with an open mouth and closed eyes and brimming with anticipation.

He enters him in one swift thrust and both of them exhale in a certain kind of relief.

This is worth _anything_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. First, I have to say that I'm well aware of how badly Hyejin is characterized. I just couldn't come to like her, therefore I treated her badly. Oh well. It's a Zikyung fic first and foremost, she was never intended to be more than a plot device. 
> 
> Second, I... I just cannot write morally good characters who are interesting. I'm sure - or at least, I hope - that Zico and Kyung aren't like that in reality :'D This is all just for entertainment purposes, of course. 
> 
> Anyway, I really do hope you have enjoyed this nonetheless! I enjoyed writing this a lot, although it's kinda sketchy and soap-opera-y :D  
> I'm so thankful for kudos and comments, thank you all so much! If you liked my story, I'd be thrilled to receive some feedback - or if you didn't, some constructive criticism. And again, English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> One trope after another, oh my god. Hello, my new soap opera. Oh well.  
> I'm sorry if the smut felt rushed or if there are many spelling/grammar mistakes (not native speaker blah).  
> In the next - and final - chapter, I will probably throw light on some stuff that happened between the moment they decided not to be together and now, and I will kinda try to wrap up this whole mess.  
> (Also, Hyejin won't stay as marysue-y as she is right now.)
> 
> Thank you for reading, I really hope you enjoyed this! If you did, I'd love to get some feedback and inspiration for the next chapter.


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